There have been a lot of times lately when my child reacted against being redirected with an accusation that the person is trying to be mean, they're trying to bother her, etc. Is there a good way we can work with her to understand other people's motivations with more nuance? Or do you have ideas about getting her through that first reaction to be able to deal with the redirection or the other person's behavior more calmly?
Try is to see the behavior from two perspectives, both equally true to different degrees. For one thing it must not be easy to perceive every suggestion, redirection, and comment as aggression, so it is good to have empathy for her predicament. At the same time, overreacting dramatically every time someone asks for behavioral change is an effective way of controlling the environment around you. Sort of like the doomsday machine in the movie Dr. Strangeglove. It sets up a scenario in which you would have to be crazy to "launch an attack" knowing the response will be automatic and disproportionate.
Here are 3 steps to helping your child be able to handle redirection and criticism:
1. Before conflict: Work with her when she is calm and happy to understand the logic of parent redirection. For example you could play a game like "mean or not mean" where you say something to her like "please clean up your dishes" and she has to figure out whether the intent is hostile. To make it harder you could say nice things in a mean tone and mean things in a nice tone to bring her focus to different components of the interaction.
2. During conflict: Use a calm voice, direct her attention to it. "Please match the tone of my voice. I am calm and friendly." Repeat yourself clearly and consistently a few times (the moment of conflict is not the time to reason or rephrase) and then set a passive deadline/consequence. "I asked you three times to clear your dishes, I am going into the kitchen now but there will be no screen time until what I asked you is done."
3. After conflict: This is the time to process and reflect. Model emotive language by telling her how the interaction made you feel. "When you yell at me, I feel frustrated." Try to find something to reinforce or praise from the reaction. "Everyone gets upset, but it was great how fast you were able to recover!"